An article on Straits Times reported that one in 150 children in Singapore has autism. Likewise, speech therapists around the world are seeing an increase in ASD caseloads.
According to Autismspeak, children with autism are often characterised by deficits in social skills including an inconsistent response to their names, lack of eye contact and reduced participation in social interactions.
Of course, not all children with social skill issues have autism, and some children with language delays or hearing issues can share the same traits. However, most children on the autism spectrum do have some form of social skill deficits.
Why Social Skills are Important
For children with autism and other social deficits, social skills are the cornerstone from which speech therapy must begin. As Dr Stanley Greenspan, founder of the DIR Floortime therapy says, it would be an uphill battle without that first connection. You can be waving your hands, yelling at the top of your lungs, but it would be as if you don’t even exist. No teaching can happen if your child does not even notice you.
How do we create this social connection in the first place? We start by changing ourselves. We need to learn these 6 skills so that we can woo our children into a satisfying relation. In fact parents are not only the ones who need them. We, speech therapists, need them too.
To remember these 6 skills, think: If you want your child to connect, use a PR-WIFI!
How to develop your child’s social skills
Skill #1: Presence
Presence means turning off your mobile or TV and truly focusing on enjoying the interaction with your child. This doesn’t mean lying on your couch and just making a few comments once in a while. Get on the floor and play with him. Be part of the game. It’s incredible how this small change alone can turn around many aloof kids.
Also try to exude warmth in your presence. This is because research by the University of Texas has found a positive correlation between a warm and responsive style of interacting and social skills in autistic children. So put yourself in the right frame of mine. Let your warmth shine through when you play with your child.
Skill #2: Respond
Responsive parenting has also been found by research from the University of North Carolina, to improve social skills in children with autism. Some children may lack initiative during the initial stage. They do not yet know to initiate a game nor to make a request. They may cry when they are distressed or when they want something.
In these early stages, we can try to respond to any of their actions. When I say any, I really mean it. This means that if we are playing “Tickles” and you pause and she looks up and catches your eye, you say “Oh you want more!” and quickly give her another go at it.
Or if he is sitting and waving his hands in front of his eyes, you go up and say “High 5” and slap his hands playfully.
When you read intentionality into their actions consistently, something will click in their mind eventually. A client of mine learned to play High 5s after his parent’s repeated attempts to turn his behaviour of waving his hands in front of his eyes into the game.
In addition, being responsive also means responding quickly to any attempts by your child to communicate. If a non-verbal child grunts while reaching for a toy truck when he has previously not made a sound, run quickly and hand it to him! Label “Truck!” as you hand the vehicle to him excitedly. We always want to respond very quickly to reward a child’s effort at communicating. Doing so repeatedly helps to show them that their words and sounds have power!
Skill #3: Waiting
They say patience is a virtue and this cannot be more true in this case. Children with developmental delays often need more time. Yet as is often the case, they are not given a chance to respond. Take the example below:
Scenario 1
(Assuming the mother is working on the sign for ‘car’)
Mother: (holds up a car) Car! Want a car?
Child: (silence for 1sec)
Mother: Car. Car. Here it is!
Scenario 2
(Assuming the child is verbal and father is working on the word ‘open’)
Child: (trying to open door)
Child: (starts grunting in frustration)
Father: Oh you want to open the door? (opens the door)
Child: (leaves the room without turning back)
Before the children can even say or do anything, the parents have already spoken for them and given them what they wanted. Very quickly, the children learn that they don’t really need to talk or do anything to get what they want.
Waiting may sound like a simple skill, but it is actually one of the hardest. It is very hard to resist the temptation to just jump in when we are not getting a response. Speech pathologist, James MacDonalnd recommends waiting by counting silently to 10. This may be the longest 10 seconds of your life, but I promise you, it will make a difference.
Another thing that we have to do is to show the child that we are expecting a response from him. This is especially true for a child who has already learnt not to try. Raise your eye brows, and open your mouth wide. Lean forward and wait. If your child performs the desired action before the 10 seconds is up, then give him what he wants.
If he doesn’t, then your response will depend on what skills you are working on. If you are working on eye contact, then adjust your face until he catches your eye then quickly give him whatever he wants. If you are working on signs, help him form the sign before handing his desired toy. No matter what, your child has to learn that he has to do something to get something.
Ideally your interaction should look more like this:
Scenario 1
(Assuming the mother is working on the sign for ‘car’)
Mother: (holds up a car) Car! (waits silently and expectantly for 10 sec)
Child: (silence for 10 secs)
Mother: (helps child performs the sign for car and hands the car to him) Car!
Scenario 2
(Assuming the child is verbal and father is working on the word ‘open’)
Child: (trying to open door)
Child: (starts grunting in frustration)
Father: Open? (waits silently and expectantly for 10 sec)
Child: (after 6 seconds) Opuh
Father: Open! (opens door and lets the child out)
Skill #4: Interests
Rather than trying to get your child to play with something that he has absolutely no interest in, why not use what he already loves?
We can often get a clue as to what might work based on what he already doing. For a child who enjoys running around, or moving aimlessly, engage him in a movement game of ‘Swing’ or ‘Catch’. For a child who loves to watch his fingers or spinning objects, try something visual like a spin top or pinwheel.
If new toys appealing to his senses do not work, there’s still one last way; Insert yourself into whatever he is doing. If he is lining up cars, quickly (and playfully) grab hold of the rest of his cars and hand it to him one by one. As Hanen says, “become the keeper of good things”. Your child may resist initially but if you keep doing it, he will learn to expect and even enjoy your intrusions.
No matter what it is, we want to be a part of his game so that he is not left alone for long stretches of time. A child who is left on his own is not learning much if he is just watching the same video over and over or roaming around aimlessly. Children can only learn and grow if they are around and engaged with us.
Skill #5: Fun
Who do you think you want to interact with? A boring person who cannot even be bothered to smile, or someone fun and really exciting? When you are playing with your child and starting to feel yourself getting bored, it is very likely that your child is feeling the same way too.
Plaster on a wide grin. Imagine your current energy level and boost that by 10 times. Be really fun and animated as you play with your child. Whatever activity you are doing, imagine that this is the greatest game ever!
Do note that being fun and animated does not necessarily mean loud. Some children experience sensory difficulties with noises, so being loud may turn them away. However, you can still show your excitement by using your expressions. A ‘wow’ whispered in awe can be as effective as a ‘woo-hoo’ yelled out loud.
Some parents will say, “Oh that’s just not who I am.” In fact, many of the parents I met in Singapore will say this. These parents often have much difficulty switching their persona from serious business mode to fun playmate mode.
If you have trouble psyching yourself up, a trick some parents have found useful is to wear a silly hat or costume. One of my parents calls it his fun suit and it allows him to quickly turn into Mr Goofy.
Skill #6: Imitate
According to Brooke Ingersoll, another good way to engage your child is to imitate his actions. This serves two functions. Firstly when you are imitating your child’ action, you are working at a level where he can succeed. Secondly, you are much more likely to capture his attention because you are performing an action that interests him.
However, in order for the strategy to be successful, we have to make sure that we are in a small confined space and is face-to-face with the child. There’s really no point in copying a child who is running ahead of you and who has no clue that you are even behind him.
Try getting your child in a small enclosed space. This can even be the tiny space between your couch and your wall (of course you should ensure that there is enough space for the two of you). Sit facing your child and wait for your child to do something. Then copy her and wait. For example, if she taps the floor, then tap the floor excitedly and wait. If she taps the floor again, then quickly do it again.
Based on Brooke Ingersoll’s Reciprocal Imitation Therapy, you should intersperse your copying by giving your child a chance to copy you. Continue to imitate her actions for the next few minutes. Then perform an action that your child is likely to mimick and see if your child copies you. Wait a few seconds.. If not, try again up to 3 times before gently taking her hands and helping her to repeat your action. Then lavish her with praise for imitating you and then go back to copying her again.
It is recommended that parents spend about 20 minutes everyday engaging their child in imitation activities. Doing so helps to train your child in the critical skills of imitation.
Conclusion
My first advice to all parents who suspect a problem with their child’s social skill is to seek professional help from a licensed speech therapist. When you adopt a wait and see approach, your child is missing out on all the help that he needs during his crucial years.
But while we wait for help, there are things that we can do to help him. We can start with mastering these skills to get things going. We cannot expect our child to change for us if we are not willing to invest the time and effort to change ourselves first. In fact, the most important determinant of how much progress a child can make in speech therapy is parental involvement.
As you work on your PR-WIFI, you will find that the quality of your social interactions will improve. As you grow as a skilled playmate, your child’s social skills will grow in tandem as he gains many opportunities to learn from you. This of course will spillover to other domains, allowing your child to grow and blossom. How rewarding is that?
What other skills have you learnt to help your child work his social muscles? Share your ideas below!
